ok, so i have always been brought up that i DONT need a man to survive. And i have lived my life in my 27 (almost 28yrs) with that concept in mind. Sure i was married for 8yrs (technically almost 10, because on paper i am still married) but i didnt depend on him, i never really ''needed'' him for anything except the obvious reasons. I cant make kids on my own. (go fig) Well. i have been separated from my husband for well over a year now. And i have been emotionally separated from him for even longer. I have gone thru this past year meeting men, getting to know them, and ditching them, i couldnt hold onto one, because i didnt want to become dependant on anyone, or be in a relationship. i didnt want to take the time and the effort to get to know someone like i new my husband, i literally know everything about him, shoe size, underwear size, his fav colors, styles, things to eat, not to eat, what hes alergic too, hell, i even know his ss# and id# and all that good stuff. I could steal his identity before he could even think about it. i invested 9yrs in that relationship, i knew everything. (of course, he doesnt know squat about me) Well, as i was saying. i dont need a man. No woman does. And no man is worth going into a depression over. thats my motto.
Well, how come i am letting this happen to me? I met the most wonderful man back in October. From the first time i spent the night with him, i fell completely head over heels in love with this man. We have been together ever since. Everyone in this raggy ass motel we stay in can see that we are in love. We are two peas in a pod. It feels like i have known him forever. We have alot in common, and we are physically and mentally attracted to each other. O god am i attracted to him, he is so sexy. i love his body and i just love everything about him. and, our sex life. its amazing. So amazing. Sometimes i wish i could share him with other woman that are getting awful sex from their men. (of course i will not actually do that. lol)
This man has such a hold on me, i feel like sometimes i cant live with out him. How can a man that i have known for such a short time have such a hold on me like that? I dont want to lose him, i go crazy when i feel like i am about to lose him. We had a little much needed separation not too long ago because we just needed to be apart, Living in this motel with no income and no nothing is, well, stressful sometimes. We work, and dont get paid. Well, i spent all that time in bed...No food, no nothing. Only drinking water, i didnt want to get outta bed. i didnt have the strength. The one time i did get outta bed, i went down to see him in his room, and he was having a party with his friends. Which, killed me, made me see where i stood in his life. Its like part of me was hoping that he was doing the same thing. Laying in bed, wondering if i was doing the same.
Ok, how the hell did i get to the point of being a strong woman..independent single mother, working a full time job, needing no man, needing nothing from anyone but myself. To this piece of shit that i am today...Living in a motel, no kids, no nothing. No income, nothing looking good in the future. And depending on a man like he is water! and everyone wonders y i am so down on myself on a daily basis. I had it all, i was proud of myself. i am the oldest of 7 kids, i FINALLY had something that my younger sisters could look at and say ''man i want to be like my big sister, she has it all together''
Now Look At Me...
FmL thats all i have to say!
