Martina McBride - How Far

I'm sure it doesnt need a title..

Things on this end have been steadily insane.Still,? yes i know. Nothing is looking up for me, no job prospects, no $$ coming in.  Still missing the hell outta my kids. It seems i call them less and less as the time goes by.  Its not that i miss them less and less...i miss them more and more..And its just harder and harder to talk to them.  Because, i have NOTHING going on in my life, i should be with them, taking care of them, but i am being banned from that.  If it wasnt for my asshole of a step father, i would be taking care of them right now.  but he has banned me from the house. Even when i come and visit, i cant stay there with them. i have to get a hotel room. I feel like more and more everyday my kids become less and less mine.  It sucks. My kids are asking me more questions, like when am i coming to live with them, or when are they coming to live with me. And everytime they ask those questions, i do not have an answer.  It makes me feel like i am a bad person.  Like they would be better off w/out me. this whole thing is so financially motivated it makes me sick.  All together they get over 1200 a month for my kids. And they are still begging for $$.  i have none to send, neither one of them understand that.  And at this point, if i did have a lump sum to send to her, i would use some of that to go and see them, and give her the difference. I missed Christmas, Thanksgiving, and even my youngest's birthday because they refuse to help. Sometimes i wish i had the $$ i would file for visitation. Where she will have to bring them here.  Because as of right now, she has full legal custody, so what she says goes. How is that fair? they are my children. it just amazes me how a MOTHER could do that to her own child. Seriously. 
I know i blog and blog about all this, but its the only thing that is on my mind. I have nothing else to think about. I want to see my kids. I want my life back.
I could go on and on and on, but i cant. You would think after crying day in and day out over everything thats going on. I cry myself to sleep, i cry when i'm in the shower, and i cry everytime i am alone...well u would think that i wouldnt be able to cry anymore. Amazingly enough..that is so untrue.