its been a while since i've blogged. I figured since no one was following me, maybe just maybe i was wasting my time. but, getting things out on paper in a journal wasnt working, seeing how i have a nosy boyfriend. He doesnt understand privacy at all either. He is getting better. But his lack of computer knowledge gives me a slight advantage.
My life is still in the shit hole. I am doing everything and anything i can to make it better. But, sometimes i feel like i am running into a wall. Most days the way i feel like like Nemo when he gets caught and put in the tank. No matter which way i turn, which way i try to run, BAM, running into an invisible wall over and over and over again. I haven't seen my kids since November, i wasnt able to make it to court in Feb, and as a result of that i lost custody of my boys to my mother. Its all my fault, every last bit of it, i have no one to blame for the way my life is. Sure if i didnt get laid off from my job, i think i might have had a chance in hell of not fucking things up. But yea. Lost the job, the house the car, and the kids. Back to Back. So much loss. and even in the midst of all this as well, lost my grandmother. For some reason, i still hold on..push thru, even tho i really just want to throw my hands up and say ''fuck it'' and just give up on everything and disapear. Medication was helping for a little while. but ''single folk'' dont get the change to get medicaid. Specially when ima 28yr old single woman. Yea. They laugh at me when i apply for medicaid. I am not getting it no matter what. My therapist said i can get ''conditional medicaid'' which is where he will fill out a paper saying i am under treatment and i need insurance. But eh, who knows, they will just send me to Mental Health Free Clinic just to save the state $$.
Yesterday was my youngest sons bday. He is 4 now. I couldnt be there. and well, yea, that hurt..i spent all day just holding back the tears. I dont ever let anyone see me cry. i cant. crying is a sign of weakness. But when i was alone, sitting in this office, i will cry all night long. 8hrs of just plain crying, because i sit here and think about everything..what ihave done, where i have gone, what i should have done, or shouldn't have done. How i completely feel alienated in my family, the black sheep, the daughter that isnt worth a damn. Me and my dad have an ok relationship, i love him to death, but i never take the time to call him. I never really take the time to call anyone in my family. Mainly because i dont know what to say to them. They all have good lives, one of my sisters has a new baby, a new husband, and a 4yr old, they live in KY, good jobs, new house, great life. My other sister is in NY, happily married, no kids, works 2 jobs, her hub is a truck driver makes good $$. Hell, my brother, who has asbergers and some other mental disorders and learning disorders, HE is doing better than me, wife, 2 kids, good job. House, $$. My 18yr old sister is happily married, a daughter, sure she is still in highschool (senior) but she is doing good, college is in the future, her husband who is 19, he works a good job, right out of highschool. No plans for college, if anything a technical college, He does mechanic work (mainly diesel mechanics) i am the broke unemployed loser in the family. i dont have my kids, a house, money, nothing. I am the oldest of all these kids, i should be setting an example of what to do, not what not to do. So i distance myself from my family. Just to save face i guess. It sucks, because some days, i feel alone. i feel like...i dont have a place in this world. i am just taking up space, Someone better could have my life. Maybe they could do better with it. because i have just done one shitty job thats for sure. i feel like an outcast to say the least. i havent been to a family function in a long time. i stopped going to family reunions a long time ago, before i even moved away from the family. i just couldnt stand being a loser. No one cares to call me or contact me. Not one person called and wished me a happy bday. i got more birthday wishes from people on Facebook than i did my own family. Hell, i dont even think anyone in my family has my cell number. No one ever calls.. Only person that calls my cell phone is my boyfriend.. no one else. The only reason i have it is to call my kids, or there would b no point. Went 2 months w/out a phone (had no $$) and well, only thing i missed was not being able to call my kids everyday. No one tried to get ahold of me on Facebook asking me if i had a new number they could text or call me on.
I guess i should just stop complaining. but, this is where i complain, No one knows who i am. So its not like u can hate me. Well, you can, but its beside the point.
I am second guessing my relationship with my boyfriend. Its not anything that i want to happen. i Love him so much, but..some day i feel he doent feel the same way. When we first got together, we would have sex all the time. its always been like that..Until he just started his new job. and now, i get it when i beg, or have to harrass him for a couple days. Which, i have stopped, because it got old. I feel like he has found someone else. He leaves early for work, never wants me to take him there. He will walk the hr walk to work. Says he wants to save gas in the car. But, its just fishy to me. He says that he is working when he leaves early, that he was able to clock in early. Well, i dont believe him, i have proof, which are his clock in slips. But, its not enough proof i guess. I could get more, i could call his job when he says hes supposed to be there. Ask for him, they can say he isnt there, and most of the time they will tell me when he will b there...Well, i can lie about who i am, and find out. But, i dont think i am ready right now to find out if he is cheating on me or not. I cant bring myself to want to find out. i dont want to be hurt, he is the only person i have left in my life that is supporting me, If i lose him, im all alone, no one there w/me. i dont want to be in a relationship that is doomed to fail and is full of lies. but...i just really dont want to be alone., at this point in my life, i dont need to be alone. I am afraid of being alone.....
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