Martina McBride - How Far

I'm sure it doesnt need a title..

Things on this end have been steadily insane.Still,? yes i know. Nothing is looking up for me, no job prospects, no $$ coming in.  Still missing the hell outta my kids. It seems i call them less and less as the time goes by.  Its not that i miss them less and less...i miss them more and more..And its just harder and harder to talk to them.  Because, i have NOTHING going on in my life, i should be with them, taking care of them, but i am being banned from that.  If it wasnt for my asshole of a step father, i would be taking care of them right now.  but he has banned me from the house. Even when i come and visit, i cant stay there with them. i have to get a hotel room. I feel like more and more everyday my kids become less and less mine.  It sucks. My kids are asking me more questions, like when am i coming to live with them, or when are they coming to live with me. And everytime they ask those questions, i do not have an answer.  It makes me feel like i am a bad person.  Like they would be better off w/out me. this whole thing is so financially motivated it makes me sick.  All together they get over 1200 a month for my kids. And they are still begging for $$.  i have none to send, neither one of them understand that.  And at this point, if i did have a lump sum to send to her, i would use some of that to go and see them, and give her the difference. I missed Christmas, Thanksgiving, and even my youngest's birthday because they refuse to help. Sometimes i wish i had the $$ i would file for visitation. Where she will have to bring them here.  Because as of right now, she has full legal custody, so what she says goes. How is that fair? they are my children. it just amazes me how a MOTHER could do that to her own child. Seriously. 
I know i blog and blog about all this, but its the only thing that is on my mind. I have nothing else to think about. I want to see my kids. I want my life back.
I could go on and on and on, but i cant. You would think after crying day in and day out over everything thats going on. I cry myself to sleep, i cry when i'm in the shower, and i cry everytime i am alone...well u would think that i wouldnt be able to cry anymore. Amazingly enough..that is so untrue.

Some Rambling.

its been a while since i've blogged.  I figured since no one was following me, maybe just maybe i was wasting my time.  but, getting things out on paper in a journal wasnt working, seeing how i have a nosy boyfriend. He doesnt understand privacy at all either.   He is getting better.  But his lack of computer knowledge gives me a slight advantage. 
My life is still in the shit hole.  I am doing everything and anything i can to make it better.  But, sometimes i feel like i am running into a wall.  Most days the way i feel like like Nemo when he gets caught and put in the tank.  No matter which way  i turn, which way i try to run, BAM, running into an invisible wall over and over and over again.   I haven't seen my kids since November, i wasnt able to make it to court in Feb, and as a result of that i lost custody of my boys to my mother.  Its all my fault, every last bit of it, i have no one to blame for the way my life is.  Sure if i didnt get laid off from my job, i think i might have had a chance in hell of not fucking things up.  But yea.  Lost the job, the house the car, and the kids. Back to Back.  So much loss. and even in the midst of all this as well, lost my grandmother. For some reason, i still hold on..push thru, even tho i really just want to throw my hands up and say ''fuck it'' and just give up on everything and disapear.  Medication was helping for a little while.  but ''single folk'' dont get the change to get medicaid. Specially when ima 28yr old single woman. Yea. They laugh at me when i apply for medicaid. I am not getting it no matter what.  My therapist said i can get ''conditional medicaid'' which is where he will fill out a paper saying i am under treatment and i need insurance.  But eh, who knows, they will just send me to Mental Health Free Clinic just to save the state $$. 
Yesterday was my youngest sons bday.  He is 4 now. I couldnt be there. and well, yea, that hurt..i spent all day just holding back the tears.  I dont ever let anyone see me cry. i cant. crying is a sign of weakness.  But when i was alone, sitting in this office, i will cry all night long. 8hrs of just plain crying, because i sit here and think about everything..what ihave done, where i have gone, what i should have done, or shouldn't have done. How i completely feel alienated in my family, the black sheep, the daughter that isnt worth a damn.  Me and my dad  have an ok relationship, i love him to death, but i never take the time to call him.  I never really take the time to call anyone in my family.  Mainly because i dont know what to say to them. They all have good lives, one of my sisters has a new baby, a new husband, and a 4yr old, they live in KY, good jobs, new house, great life. My other sister is in NY, happily married, no kids, works 2 jobs, her hub is a truck driver makes good $$.  Hell, my brother, who has asbergers and some other mental disorders and learning disorders, HE is doing better than me, wife, 2 kids, good job. House, $$. My 18yr old sister is happily married, a daughter, sure she is still in highschool (senior) but she is doing good, college is in the future, her husband who is 19, he works a good job, right out of highschool. No plans for college, if anything a technical college, He does mechanic work (mainly diesel mechanics) i am the broke unemployed loser in the family.  i dont have my kids, a house, money, nothing.  I am the oldest of all these kids, i should be setting an example of what to do, not what not to do.  So i distance myself from my family.  Just to save face i guess. It sucks, because some days,  i feel alone. i feel like...i dont have a place in this world.  i am just taking up space, Someone better could have my life. Maybe they could do better with it. because i have just done one shitty job thats for sure.  i feel like an outcast to say the least.  i havent been to a family function in a long time.  i stopped going to family reunions a long time ago, before i even moved away from the family. i just couldnt stand being a loser. No one cares to call me or contact me.  Not one person called and wished me a happy bday.  i got more birthday wishes from people on Facebook than i did my own family.  Hell, i dont even think anyone in my family has my cell number.  No one ever calls.. Only person that calls my cell phone is my boyfriend.. no one else. The only reason i have it is to call my kids, or there would b no point.  Went 2 months w/out a phone (had no $$) and well, only thing i missed was not being able to call my kids everyday.   No one tried to get ahold of me on Facebook asking me if i had a new number they could text or call me on. 
I guess i should just stop complaining.  but, this is where i complain, No one knows who i am. So its not like u can hate me. Well, you can, but its beside the point. 
I am second guessing my relationship with my boyfriend.  Its not anything that i want to happen.  i Love him so much, but..some day i feel he doent feel the same way. When we first got together, we would have sex all the time. its always been like that..Until he just started his new job.  and now, i get it when i beg, or have to harrass him for a couple days. Which, i have stopped, because it got old.  I feel like he has found someone else.  He leaves early for work, never wants me to take him there. He will walk the hr walk to work. Says he wants to save gas in the car.  But, its just fishy to me. He says that he is working when he leaves early, that he was able to clock in early.  Well, i dont believe him, i have proof, which are his clock in slips.  But, its not enough proof i guess. I could get more, i could call his job when he says hes supposed to be there. Ask for him, they can say he isnt there, and most of the time they will tell me when he will b there...Well, i can lie about who i am, and find out. But, i dont think i am ready right now to find out if he is cheating on me or not. I cant bring myself to want to find out. i dont want to be hurt, he is the only person i have left in my life that is supporting me, If i lose him, im all alone, no one there w/me.  i dont want to be in a relationship that is doomed to fail and is full of lies.  but...i just really dont want to be alone., at this point in my life, i dont need to be alone.  I am afraid of being alone.....

to be or not to be?

ok, so i have always been brought up that i DONT need a man to survive.  And i have lived my life in my 27 (almost 28yrs) with that concept in mind. Sure i was married for 8yrs (technically almost 10, because on paper i am still married)  but i didnt depend on him, i never really ''needed'' him for anything except the obvious reasons.  I cant make kids on my own. (go fig) Well. i have been separated from my husband for well over a year now.  And i have been emotionally separated from him for even longer.  I have gone thru this past year meeting men, getting to know them, and ditching them, i couldnt hold onto one, because i didnt want to become dependant on anyone, or be in a relationship.  i didnt want to take the time and the effort to get to know someone like i new my husband, i literally know everything about him, shoe size, underwear size, his fav colors, styles, things to eat, not to eat, what hes alergic too, hell, i even know his ss# and id# and all that good stuff. I could steal his identity before he could even think about it.  i invested 9yrs in that relationship, i knew everything. (of course, he doesnt know squat about me) Well, as i was saying.  i dont need a man.  No woman does.  And no man is worth going into a depression over.  thats my motto.
Well, how come i am letting this happen to me?  I met the most wonderful man back in October.  From the first time i spent the night with him, i fell completely head over heels in love with this man. We have been together ever since.  Everyone in this raggy ass motel we stay in can see that we are in love.  We are two peas in a pod.  It feels like i have known him forever. We have alot in common, and we are physically and mentally attracted to each other.  O god am i attracted to him, he is so sexy. i love his body and i just love everything about him.  and, our sex life.  its amazing. So amazing. Sometimes i wish i could share him with other woman that are getting awful sex from their men. (of course i will not actually do that. lol) 
This man has such a hold on me, i feel like sometimes i cant live with out him. How can a man that i have known for such a short time have such a hold on me like that? I dont want to lose him, i go crazy when i feel like i am about to lose him.  We had a little much needed separation not too long ago because we just needed to be apart, Living in this motel with no income and no nothing is, well, stressful sometimes. We work, and dont get paid. Well, i spent all that time in bed...No food, no nothing.  Only drinking water, i didnt want to get outta bed.  i didnt have the strength. The one time i did get outta bed, i went down to see him in his room, and he was having a party with his friends.  Which, killed me, made me see where i stood in his life.  Its like part of me was hoping that he was doing the same thing.  Laying in bed, wondering if i was doing the same. 
Ok, how the hell did i get to the point of being a strong woman..independent single mother, working a full time job, needing no man, needing nothing from anyone but myself. To this piece of shit that i am today...Living in a motel, no kids, no nothing. No income, nothing looking good in the future. And depending on a man like he is water! and everyone wonders y i am so down on myself on a daily basis. I had it all, i was proud of myself.  i am the oldest of 7 kids, i FINALLY had something that my younger sisters could look at and say ''man i want to be like my big sister, she has it all together''
Now Look At Me...
FmL thats all i have to say!

ok, so i am still hating on christmas this year.  i was hoping and praying that my ''mother'' woudl come to her senses and bring the kids here to me and my ex hub could see them for even a little bit.  but that would require effort and a heart of gold, instead she has a heart of stone.  Cold stone.!  Stone cold hearted bitch..i know i know, she is my ''mom'' but dammit, she isnt acting like one.  She is acting like a greedy bitch..i think if she wasnt with her dumb ass husband, then she wouldnt be doing any of this, she would have let me move in with her, instead of just taking the kids.  It makes no sense to me tho, how the hell can u do this to  ur child?  i have done nothing to her in her life to make her hate me so much, and thats what if feels like, im being hated on. All i did was be born.  i have never caused my mom troubles, never got arrested, never got in trouble w/the law when i was younger.  Sure i got into fights in school, but she understood, i was just defending myself.  But, i dunno, i've gone thru everything i've ever done in my life, and i have never treated my mom unfairly.  But there are a number of incodents where she has messed up or messed with my life.  When he and her hub had NO money and were fixin to lose their house, i was there w/food and money and everything they damn needed to get by.  i even paid her truck and her insurance so she wouldnt lose anything. And this is how i get repayed?  At first they yelled at me, told them i should be helping them out more.  How much more could i have helped out?  Prolly none w/out putting myself into a hole.  I had already at that point put myself in a hole w/my light bill so they could have their truck back. (she had to pay on it weekly, and there is a code box on it) Well, blah, i give up being nice.  thats y i think im just going to disapear after i get my kids back.   My boyfriend wants to move outta state.  i told him we go somewhere where i have family, or we go somewhere tropical. My grandma lives in taMpa, so maybe there.  That would definatly work.  But eh..

Bah humbug, Christmas is only around the corner, and im still thinking of taking a seroquel and sleeping all day, i wont be able to handle it.

Well, im dozing off, so i guess ill kick back in this chair and call it a night.

CELINE DION - I'M YOUR LADY

I just had to log on, because today in spite of everything that is going on in my crazy life. my wonderful boyfriend still can make me smile. He is there when i need him, and even when i don't.  he watches out for me, and defends me when its necessary. Even when i was looking down on life, and down on the future, he pulled me out and polished me up, and sat by my side to make sure i got better.  We dont plan on saying for better or for worse in front of our family, friends and GOD. But God knows...he knows that even tho its not on paper, we are always going to be together. 

The love that i feel for this man is completely over whelming to me. I never thought that after my heart was filled with the love i have for my kids, i would have room for a man again in my life. Well, here he came, southern drawl and a nice chest to match, his wranglers and work boots and shirt tucked in his back pocket...He was tan, and sweaty from mowing the lawn. And, i was instantly attracted to him. And he won me over every other way as well. I cant go back to being with out him. He completes me, i complete him.  i love him to death, but i am afraid to say it to him.  i know he feels the same way.  But, its a scary thing.  it really is.  Today he blurted out that he loved me.  But i froze and didnt say it back. i know i feel it. from my head to my toes i feel the love i have for this man. Every couple needs a physical and mental attraction to each other for it to work, if u dont, u will rely on that one thing that attracts you to that person until something better comes along.  Thats what i did....kinda.  But. i am not letting him go.  Ladies, this sexy man is off the market forever.  

Now its about time for me to get off this slow computer (its being mean tonight) and go get in the nice cozy bed with the worlds most wonderful man.

GoodNight<3 God Bless<3