ok, so i am still hating on christmas this year.  i was hoping and praying that my ''mother'' woudl come to her senses and bring the kids here to me and my ex hub could see them for even a little bit.  but that would require effort and a heart of gold, instead she has a heart of stone.  Cold stone.!  Stone cold hearted bitch..i know i know, she is my ''mom'' but dammit, she isnt acting like one.  She is acting like a greedy bitch..i think if she wasnt with her dumb ass husband, then she wouldnt be doing any of this, she would have let me move in with her, instead of just taking the kids.  It makes no sense to me tho, how the hell can u do this to  ur child?  i have done nothing to her in her life to make her hate me so much, and thats what if feels like, im being hated on. All i did was be born.  i have never caused my mom troubles, never got arrested, never got in trouble w/the law when i was younger.  Sure i got into fights in school, but she understood, i was just defending myself.  But, i dunno, i've gone thru everything i've ever done in my life, and i have never treated my mom unfairly.  But there are a number of incodents where she has messed up or messed with my life.  When he and her hub had NO money and were fixin to lose their house, i was there w/food and money and everything they damn needed to get by.  i even paid her truck and her insurance so she wouldnt lose anything. And this is how i get repayed?  At first they yelled at me, told them i should be helping them out more.  How much more could i have helped out?  Prolly none w/out putting myself into a hole.  I had already at that point put myself in a hole w/my light bill so they could have their truck back. (she had to pay on it weekly, and there is a code box on it) Well, blah, i give up being nice.  thats y i think im just going to disapear after i get my kids back.   My boyfriend wants to move outta state.  i told him we go somewhere where i have family, or we go somewhere tropical. My grandma lives in taMpa, so maybe there.  That would definatly work.  But eh..

Bah humbug, Christmas is only around the corner, and im still thinking of taking a seroquel and sleeping all day, i wont be able to handle it.

Well, im dozing off, so i guess ill kick back in this chair and call it a night.

CELINE DION - I'M YOUR LADY

I just had to log on, because today in spite of everything that is going on in my crazy life. my wonderful boyfriend still can make me smile. He is there when i need him, and even when i don't.  he watches out for me, and defends me when its necessary. Even when i was looking down on life, and down on the future, he pulled me out and polished me up, and sat by my side to make sure i got better.  We dont plan on saying for better or for worse in front of our family, friends and GOD. But God knows...he knows that even tho its not on paper, we are always going to be together. 

The love that i feel for this man is completely over whelming to me. I never thought that after my heart was filled with the love i have for my kids, i would have room for a man again in my life. Well, here he came, southern drawl and a nice chest to match, his wranglers and work boots and shirt tucked in his back pocket...He was tan, and sweaty from mowing the lawn. And, i was instantly attracted to him. And he won me over every other way as well. I cant go back to being with out him. He completes me, i complete him.  i love him to death, but i am afraid to say it to him.  i know he feels the same way.  But, its a scary thing.  it really is.  Today he blurted out that he loved me.  But i froze and didnt say it back. i know i feel it. from my head to my toes i feel the love i have for this man. Every couple needs a physical and mental attraction to each other for it to work, if u dont, u will rely on that one thing that attracts you to that person until something better comes along.  Thats what i did....kinda.  But. i am not letting him go.  Ladies, this sexy man is off the market forever.  

Now its about time for me to get off this slow computer (its being mean tonight) and go get in the nice cozy bed with the worlds most wonderful man.

GoodNight<3 God Bless<3

Bah-Humbug!

noone in my life understands really as to y i am not celebrating the holidays. half my family is either in NY or KY, my kids are in Alabama.  So really, whats the point? its not about the presents or any of that commercial b.s, it has to do with Family! i want to be around family for the holidays. and i'm not. sure i have an amazing boyfriend. he treats me so good, i couldnt ask for a better man. but its just not the same. My boys are my life.  And without them...its just not the same.  i'm not the same.  I am just an empty shell walking around. I stay high because it makes me feel better. Keeps me from thinking too much about my crappy life, and the stupid idiotic decisions i have made in the past few months. My mother and her lawyer have set such high standards for me in order for me to get the boys back. sometimes it just seems so far out of reach. but i know i can do it.  i will get my boys back. i made a promise to my youngest....i will have him back by his bday...and i dont break a promise to my kids..NEVER!
but i am just going to treat christmas like any other day.  Because to me thats all that it really is..Just another day.  I was thinking of taking a seroquel and sleeping all day. turning off the phone, and just ignoring everyone and everything. my boyfriend isnt having that.  He wants a tree and presents and dinner and to be together. i feel bad that i dont want to celebrate, i dont want to bring him down too. 

Cold Sunday in December

O how it is a cold day, right now it is 2am, and its 27 degrees outside. BrrrRrrr Cold! i am not looking forward to christmas at all.  With out my kids, there is no point.  Tuesday hopefully i will be able to get somewhere. And i'm hoping and praying that things FINALLY go my way. 
  I have been thinking about The Holiday Season.  I was watching TV today, and there are so many god awful commercials! Its so commercial now a days.  The ads are basicly saying that you NEED to buy your wife/girlfriend this expensive diamond necklace or she wont love you. i dont want diamonds. i dont want any jewelry. i am perfectly happy with something i can actually use. My gift preferance isnt expensive, or showy or flashy.  Its simple. i love presents that are practical. I told my current boyfriend that he needs to think about what i want.  If he really knows me he will know exactly what to get me.  but i think there will be no problems with that.  We are actually broke as a joke, SO.  well, gift giving will be SUPER easy.  
Well, i guess ill blog more later, my brain is a little preoccupied, i want to get everything that is in my mind out on paper, or on the screen. Whatever. Its just got to fester in my brain for a little while.  I''ve been dreaming alot about the house i grew up in, and babies.  Maybe its a sign. Dreams always mean something, think about that one for a while... :)

Just a small post before i go

i was sitting around today doing laundry and i've noticed a few things. Right now, i am living in this crummy motel working the desk for a place to live. i lost my home, my car, my job, everything, even my kids. i still have a good head on my shoulder when i should be broke down to nothing. I partially thank my doctor for the meds, but i also have to thank god.  I dont go to church and i am definatly not a religious person. But i believe that there is a force in this world working for us, wether it be fate, luck, or the almighty, you have to believe in something to get thru life.  Life without any faith isnt a life worth having. This motel that i stay at is known for its druggies and hookers, and ppl turning a trick for a buck, but its also full of people who are just down and out and have no other place to go. But i look at this place as more of a hole. u can keep trying to find a way out or you can sit in the bottom and just let it fill up with water. i still dont have a job, but i have resorces, and im working on getting outta here.  Me and my wonderful boyfriend are climbing the sides of this deep hole, keeping our head above the water.  We dont spend all our time with hopes and wishes and prayers, we spend our time hoping and wishing, and praying and doing! This ses-pool of crappiness we are going thru right now isnt perminate, its temporary, if i  believe i can do it. My boys, wether they are in my arms or not are my faith, they are my reason for living, and breathing, and getting them back is my goal, and i am doing everything in my power to get to that goal. 
Tonight there was a man that came to stay here. He lost his job just like me, and made a few bad choices in his life.  And now, he is here. On a temporary basis because his room is billed to the local church. But he has more heart than anyone that i have talked to that stays here. He knows where he can go to get back on his feet, and he is working his way there slowly. He is bedded down here for a few days and he is going out and walking what way he can to get to where he knows life will be a little better for him. Then also tonight, this man that has been here for years, once again came and asked me and my boyfriend for another item that we can spare, but shouldnt have too.  I believe in trying to help people as much as i can, if i can. But when day in and day out for years this is how you live your life, borrowing and begging and scrounging change and cigarette butts outta the parking lot, are you really living? It just makes you think about the different people in this world, and how they were raised. i want my boys to be raised strong, determined, willing to get where they need to go. The world needs more people like that. I want them to be everything that i tried to be, but couldnt quite get there. But the trick is....my life isnt over yet...its only just begun......

Linkin Park - Numb

Linkin Park - "Leave Out All The Rest"

Kid Rock - Only God Knows Why [Official Video]

Jessica Simpson - I Wanna Love You Forever

GoodNight

almost time for me to get off work, i am tired, didnt do anything for thanksgiving, i refuse to until i have my boys back in my arms, so trust me when i tell u christmas is out as well.  But i have an amazing man that is helping me thru all this, and i thank god for him everyday. He puts a smile on my face and keeps me grounded and focused. 
But, its time for me to go and crawl into bed with this amazing man until its time for him to get up for work himself.  i really am falling in love with him.  Head over heels. And this is a wonderful feeling. i wish everyone in the world could feel the love i have in my heart for this man...it doesnt compare to the love i have for my boys, because they have my whole heart. i wish i had 2 hearts, so they both could have a whole heart.  but i will share my whole heart w/the three most amazing men i have in my life.  Love my boys, and love my man forever.. 

Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply (Lyrics)

You Are The Love Of My Life - Sammy Kershaw

Head Over Feet

Ol Skool - Am I Dreaming ft. Xscape, Keith Sweat

This Song is to my special baby :) <3 u boo

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Eminem - Beautiful

Eminem - Space Bound [HQ + Lyrics]

The Fray - How To Save A Life

The Fray - You Found Me

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2AM)

Tuesday (already)

today i was putting away cloths, and i stumbled on some items that belong to my boys.  Normally i just put them with the rest of their things and pay no mind, But these items were ones they loved to wear, their favorite cloths.  And i lost it.  I was crying over laundry.  I miss my lil men, getting them up in the morning and getting my oldest off to school.  Coming home and hanging out and spending time with my youngest, then going to pick up my oldest and spending the rest of the night playing and spending time with them. How can anyone willingly NOT want their kids?  I had to give mine to my mother because i literally lost everything, but it killed me then, and its still killing me.  I want them back. It hurts me so bad. My youngeset called his grandma his ''other mommy'' that right there makes me feel like i have failed as a parent, as a mother.  I am supposed to be my childrens only mother, no one can replace me.  But i think that its happening.  I've been away from my babies for too long.   I wont be able to see them until at least february.  That would make 6 months that i have been with out them.  just thinking of that makes my heart break. all i have to say is....

EPIC FAIL FRENCHIE, EPIC FUCKING FAIL

i cant keep my kids, i cant keep my house, i dont deserve any thing in my life but failure.

The way i feel about Him

Its true to no avail..Love never fails..


I have the most wonderful boyfriend. He treats me like a queen. Like a woman should be treated. When he kisses me my whole body tingles, and he makes my heart skip a beat when he walks in the room and smiles at me.  He calls me his baby and says he wants to stay with me forever. I couldnt ask for a better man. I've had some bad relationships, and i thank god that i have found a good one.  I always said i would never get married again, but i most certainly would consider it if he was to ask me.  I wish every woman could feel what i feel, and have the love that i have. Every woman deserves it...as does every man. This feeling is sometimes unexplainable, which is always the best way to describe it.


May all you fellow bloggers out there find love, Live, Laugh Love, never forget the good times, and dont dwell on the bad times.  The past is the past for a reason..and the people that are in your past that arent in your present, dont deserve to make it to your future.

Sunday Night Thoughts..

This is going to be the first of many blogs, im not sure how many people will read what i write, but i'm going to write anyways.
I normally keep a hand written journal, writing is more personal to me, u can get more of a sense of what the writer is feeling just by looking at the handwriting. But, i have way too many nosey people in my life that just read what i've written and blow it completley out of proportion. Its always been that way. i even put a warning label in the journal.  "If you cant handle what i've written, DONT read it."  Self explanatory, but often ignored. 
I am not going to put my identity out there.  I feel i dont need to. Nobody knows who i am, so really what does it matter right? Well, still, not going to happen. I want a place where i can say whats on my mind, and not have the people in my life throw it in my face.  i will however give you some information on myself. Just basic info...i am a 27yr old female, i live in South Carolina, i am currently still married, fixin to do the whole divorce thing (thank god) and i have 2 beautiful boys. I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. I'm sure that will be all about me right now.
I worked overnight last night, got out at 530 in the morning. i hate it, i am not a night person. i would rather be snuggled in the bed sleeping instead of sitting here just passing time.  Another reason i hate working overnight is that i am a severe insomniac to begin with, and then adding having to be up all night, not cool.  I take seroquel to help me sleep.  It works, but i refuse to take it unless i have a night off (like thats going to happen) because i dont want to sleep the day away.  My boyfriend went to church this morning, so i stayed in bed.  Church isnt my thing. I've tried, just cant do it. I have too many different beliefs in my life, and going to church just doesnt fit in with those. My mother is a wiccan, my father loves church and loves god. I have always been very interested in religion, when i was in school i would study all of them.  Every religion is different, but the main thing about the western religions, like christianity and jewish religions, they worship a god, a man/being, that you can not physically see and touch. i am a firm believer in sight, sound and touch. i believe that people should worship and give thanks to the ground we walk on, the air we breath, the water we drink. they are there in front of us, not god. But, i dont want to get into religion, because it ALWAYS sparks a giant fight.  i currently live in the bible belt..i am surrounded by religion on a daily basis.  but as i was saying, my boyfriend went to church this morning, and i stayed in bed. When he got back from church, he went and worked for a little bit, and i still stayed in bed.  I was completly exausted, i have been up for days due to the insomnia, after a few days i will crash and sleep for what seems like forever.  When he was done working, he woke me up.    i have nothing to do half the time, yes, i do have kids, but that is for another blog, because its a whole story in itself. i didnt do anything else the rest of the day. just played cards and smoked a couple blunts.  Yes, i smoke my weed, i love my weed. i have always loved it.  And no, i dont smoke it around my kids, i didnt smoke when i was preg, and i dont put it first, its recreation, not an addiction. my kids always come first.  And now i sit here working. well, blogging, and ''working'' gotta love it.
Well, i think thats it for right now. Alot more to say, plenty of days left in my life to say it.